Alfred's Retarded Adventure
by Milkyol
Summary: Alfred and Kiku go to school but they don't really learn anything. Can Roderich mend his relationship with Elizabeta? Can Mr. Wang and Mr. Braginski keep their love affair in the closet? Find out in this epic tale of love, revenge, and stalking.
1. Chapter 1

The bell rang. Alfred Jones sprinted down the hallway waving his schedule in the air, looking like a complete idiot.

"Kiku! Kiku! We're in the same class!" he shouted, chasing his Japanese friend.

Kiku jumped in surprise. "Yes, I looked as the roster as well. We both have English, geography, health, and gym this semester." He shuddered when he remembered they had the same classes next semester, too. There's no way Alfred could possibly be in his honors math or physics classes, he told himself…

Alfred gave him a spine crushing bear hug. "This term is going to be awesome!"

"Apparently you haven't looked at who your teachers are."

His heart sank as he read the list. "Mr. Kirkland, English. Mr. Wang, geography. Mr. Bonnefoy, health. And Coach Braginski for gym. Dangit, they all suck."

"It's not so bad. So, Mr. Kirkland hates you, Mr. Wang is an egotistical he-she, Mr. Bonnefoy is a pedophile, and Coach Braginski wants to rape and or kill everyone in the school. It could be much worse."

"I don't see how it could be worse."

"You could be Matthew or something."

"You're right, at least I'm not Matthew," Alfred said as Matthew was thrown across the corridor by a random person.

The two students ambled into the classroom. They took a pair of desks in the back of the room and as they were unpacking their stuff their teacher appeared out of no where and said "Don't drop you crap yet. I'm assigning seats."

He conveniently placed Kiku in the far back where he could read manga undetected. Alfred, however, got the sit at the naughty table on the front wall, with his back to the class. He hadn't even done anything yet.

Mr. Kirkland started showing a powerpoint on his rules form the projector.

"Rule number one: no food, drinks, gum, testing, listening to music, sleeping, stripping, making out, or comments on my eyebrows.

Rule number two: no comments on my eyebrows.

Rule number three: clothes must be kept on at all times. This includes pants.

Rule number four: you may not go to the bathroom during my class. Nor are you allowed to go in your pants because it ruins the floor."

As he was saying this, Alfred was doing immature things behind his back such as giving him bunny ears and making inappropriate gestures, much to the amusement of the class.

"Hey can I go to the bathroom?" interrupted Elizabeta.

"Did I not just say that you can't go to the bathroom during class?" replied Mr. Kirkland.

"No."

"Fine. Just go."

She picked up her purse and headed for the door.

Gilbert laughed a fake and obnoxious laugh. "Going to take care of some womanly things, huh, Elizabeta?"

"Actually I was going to text but it would be awkward to walk out only holding my phone."

She did not return for the rest of the period.

In the next class, Mr. Wang was much less strict. In fact he was eating a bagel when they came in.

Once again Alfred and Kiku took seas in the rear of the room. Kiku fell asleep almost immediately when Mr. Wang said that they were starting a section on the geography of China.

"This is the Yangtzee river," he said, pointing to a squiggly line on the map.

"There's a Yatzee river?" asked Alfred.

"It's actually the _Yantzee_ river."

"Yatzee?"

"Yangtzee, imbecile. Anyway, this is the—"

"Don't they kill babies in China?"

Mr. Wan gave him a displeased look. "Go to the principal's office."

"We have a principal?"

Mr. Wang threw a pen at him.

Alfred left the room with a satisfied expression on his face. Their principal, Dr. Rome, was cool and would defiantly tell him if they killed babies in China.

Since Alfred was busy being in trouble, he missed half of his next class. But when he did arrive, he slammed open the door and saw that Mr. Bonnefoy had already started teaching. And he wasn't wearing clothes.

"Glad you could join us, Mr. Jones. We were just getting started on our lesson on anatomy," he said.

Across the room, Kiku mouthed "Help me."

Alfred joined him at the table, claiming an empty seat. "That jerk Mr. Wang gave me homework out the textbook. I'm only on question two. Do you know the answer to this?"

Kiku examined the question using his azn brainpower. "'Which of the following…' Kay that's too long. Put Scandinavia."

"Is Scandinavia a country?"

"How should I know? Just put it."

And so Alfred wrote that Scandinavia has the highest infant mortality rate in Africa.

"What about this one?"

"It's central Asia so if you make something up and add –stan to the end no one will know."

"Okay. How about 'Hamistan'?"

"'_Ham_istan?' You couldn't think of anything more convincing that '_Hamistan'_?"

"I'm hungry okay."

Peter raised his hand and asked, "Mr. Bonnefoy, what is sex?"

"Well, sex is—" Then the bell rang and everyone ran to lunch, trampling Poland.

Alfred, Kiku, Yong Soo, Elizabeta, Roderich, Ludwig, Feliciano, and Natalia were all crammed uncomfortably into a booth made for four people while Peter tried to sit on the end but he could only fit half of his butt because there was no room. Then he opened his bottle of Diet Coke but it exploded all over everything. He proceeded to band his head on the table.

"I think we have too many friends," said Elizabeta who was sitting on Roderich and eating his lunch.

"This sucks major balls. I'm going to o eat with Coach Branginski," said Natalia.

"He lets students eat lunch in his room?" asked Kiku.

"I have his keys."

Meanwhile, Ivan had a strange feeling that something bad was going to happen.

"Speaking of Coach Branginski, I wonder what we're doing in PE today?" Kiku wondered aloud.

"I hope we play basketball!" Alfred cheered.

"Says the freakishly tall guy. What are us unathletic midgets supposed to do?"

"Well you're teensy so I can pick you up so you can make a basket."

"That was never the issue."

Elizabeta tapped Natalia on the shoulder. "Do you have any special foundation? I fixed my eyeliner in first period but Ineed some foundation just in case."

"You're makeup looks fine to me. Oh you meant a pad! Yeah, I have some. I also have some special mascara if you need any."

"What are you talking about? What's special mascara?"

"What are _you _talking about?"

They decided to ignore the miscommunication and Natalia just gave her the yellow package. THIS IS WHY GIRL SPEAK IS POINTLESS EVEN GIRLS DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

The rest of their lunch was awkward. Kiku flung some salad with his fork because no one was talking. Then the bell rang and everyone trampled Poland who was eating some burnt pizzatas.

As it turned out, they actually were playing basketball. No one could find Mr. Braginski, so they just went to the locker rooms to get changed.

Kiku was appalled when everyone started stripping. "I think I'm going to change in the shower…" he said to himself.

There was a line at the showers because apparently Kiku wasn't the only one with qualms over people seeing his Pikachu underwear. But being an awkward young man he had his mind set on changing in private.

So then everyone left the locker room wearing gym shorts and t-shirts except for Feliciano who forgot to put his on. The girls joined them and Peter died of a nosebleed because Natalia was wearing booty shorts and a skin tight babydoll top. With a butter fly on it. A _pink_ butterfly. OF MANLINESS.

Coach Brainski slid down a rope dangling for the ceiling. "Hello students," he said, "Welcome to gym class. I am Coach Braginski. I see you've all changed clothes. So now you all need to lie on the floor so we can stretch and stuff. And why isn't that one wearing pants?"

Everyone turned to look at Feliciano, who didn't have the slightest idea what he'd done wrong.

Kiku raised his hand. "Coach? My religion required that I meditate once a day. May I go sit in the bleachers for a while?"

"Well I wouldn't want the wrath of your Shinto gods or something. You are excused."

He sat down on the bench and pulled his Nintendo DS from his bookbag.

Later, Coach Braginski asked how he was doing.

"Great. I just got to level six."

"level six?"

"Of… um… enlightenment."

"Well good for you."

At the end of the class, the bell rang before they had a chance to change clothes. So as everyone was putting on their jeans and Aeropostale shirts, the people without cars were moaning about how they were going to miss the bus.

"I can't believe I have detention!" Alfred complained.

"You have detention? Why?" asked Kiku.

"I don't know Mr. Kirkland just told me to go to it."

"Oh. Sucks for you."

Mr. Kirkland had gone missing so Coach Braginski was doing detention instead. Alfred opened the door and saw him with his ear against the wall and a perverted grin on his face.

"Coach? What are you doing?" Alfred asked.

"Listening through the wall to see what Mr. Wang is doing. Would you like to join me?"

It was going to be a long detention. A long detention indeed.

**A/N: I somehow missed a bunch of typos caused by my keyboard's inablily to type the letter G. I'm pretty sure I got all of them now. Chapter two is on the way!**


	2. Chapter 2

Another day began in Mr. Kirkland's class. Alfred sat at the naughty table, looking blankly at the packet of paper he had been given. They were going to do a study on Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream", possible the stupidest and boringest play ever written, next to Hamlet. He glanced over his shoulder and saw that Mr. Kirkland was watching him. Like a hawk.

He was supposed to start reading over the play, but before he finished the first scene he was falling asleep…

He was standing in a forest, late at night. Mr. Bonnefoy was standing a few feet away, glaring angrily. Matthew was between them, with a blank expression on his face. He was wearing a pink dress. IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DRESS EVER.

"You traitor! I thought we were going to run away together! How could you betray me?" cried… Mr. Kirkland? He was also wearing a dress but it was pink and less pretty.

"You're wrong, Arthur, it's Matthew that I love!" Alfred said, before he could stop the words from coming out of his mouth. Something was fishy here…

"But I don't love you! I love Francis!" said Matthew.

"That's right, he loves me," said Mr. Bonnefoy.

"You should have told him that when you had the chance! You're the one who gave him independence and left him!" Alfred said even though he knew absolutely nothing about Canadian history OR what it had to do with this situation.

"Don't talk like you know us!"

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, King Ivan was chasing Queen Yao, trying to get him to become one with him again.

Then Kiku, who apparently had wings now, flew down from the sky and told them the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. So Alfred picked Arthur up bridal style and they made out passionately.

Alfred felt a very painful smack on the back of his head, but he didn't care. Suddenly, the REAL Arthur Kirkland was standing over him, holding a textbook. "I don't know what kind of fantasy you were having, but I would appreciate it if you would kindly leave me out of it."

Afterwards, Alfred could not recall his dream.

Later that day, in health class, Mr. Bonnefoy wasn't there. Instead, the guidance counselor, Dr. Germania, appeared to be teaching the class.

"Who the heck are you? Where's Mr. Bonnefoy?" asked Gilbert.

"Yeah Mr. Bonnefoy was cool. We got to learn cool stuff from him," said a random person.

"Mr. Bonnefoy has been relieved of his teaching license. And Jesus, Gilbert, can't you even recognize your own father?"

"Oh yeah. I thought you'd finally died."

"You thought wrong. Now sit down."

Dr. Germania, who seemed really boring, turned on the ancient TV to show a movie. It was so ancient, that it even had a VCR. Then everyone was shocked because then it started playing from the projector, because Dr. Germania was too old to understand complicated technology. So then they watched a really lame movie about internet safety. It was about this girl who liked to talk to this old guy on a forum and they agreed to meet up to he kidnapped and raped her.

"So class, this is why forums are bad," he said.

Kiku raised his hand. "Shouldn't the lesson here be that we shouldn't get in cars with old men we met online? Or that we shouldn't go on dates with old men in the first place? Or that in general, old men should not be trusted?

"Go to lunch."

"What? But it's not even lunchtime…"

"Just go to lunch."

At lunch, Gilbert sat alone. All. Alone. So Dr. Germania was his father? Well, actually, that's not really surprising. So if Germania was his father… that meant that Princess Ludwig was actually his sister! And if Princess Ludwig was his sister, then that meant that Feliciano was actually Feliciano Solo! And if Princess Ludwig was his sister and Feliciano Solo was himself, that that meant that Kiku was Chewy and they had to go save Feliciano from the pirate/gangster Jabba the Kirkland, again! And then he had to become a Jedi so he could defeat Darth Germania and the Germanic Empire, so he and R2-Bird would go to learn some stuff from this really creepy thing named Master Francis.

IT ALL MADE SENSE!

Meanwhile, the others were staring at him from their overly-stuffed table.

"Is he having a fantasy again?" asked Elizabeta.

"I think so," replied Ludwig, "This time I'm pretty sure this time he thinks he's Luke Skywalker."

"At least he doesn't think he's Lady Gaga again."

Ludwig shivered as he had a flashback to their sophomore year, when Gilbert started pole dancing on top of the lunch tables and singing Bad Romance. "Don't remind me."

In the last class of the day, gym, everyone was in a bad mood. The first-day-of school rush had worn off. Kiku sat in the stands "meditating", and everyone else was playing basketball. Again.

Alfred joined him on the bleachers. He pulled his detention work which he had still not finished out of his bookbag and looked at it. "You know what I really hate Kiku? Math. 'x' is not a number. It never will be and it should not be in this equation but they put it there anyway. _They_ know that x is not a number so why are they still trying to make us think it is? I mean why even bother learning how to count in kindergarten? UGH. SOME PEOPLE. And really I don't see how we are _ever_ going to use any form of algebra in our lives. It's pointless crap that they made up just to give students a reason to kill themselves! I mean, who comes up with this stuff anyway?" he ranted.

"I completely agree," was Kiku's only response.

Meanwhile, Roderich was in band class because he played the Mellophone. There isn't really any point in Mellophones, the marching form of the French Horn, other than to be stuck up, annoying, and well French. But people still insist on playing it even though you can't hear it over the Trombones who can play both the Mellphone and Trombone parts at the same time and still do it better than the Mellophones because everyone knows that Mellphones are just the people who weren't manly enough to play the Trumpet, which are the people not manly enough to play the Trombone, which is for people not manly enough to play the Baritone, which is the manliest you can get before the Tuba. THE TUBA MAN, THE TUBA. Actually the only instrument you need in the band is the Baritone, because Baritones can play the Trombone, Tuba, and Trumpet parts as well as the unimportant Mellophone/French Horn part. Because we all know that Brass is all that matters amirite.

Anyway they were discussing several famous composers because their BD (band director you uneducated imbecile), Mr, Fledasherwendel, couldn't play any instruments. He would call on students by the number of their seat to come up to the board and identify the composer of a given famous piece.

About halfway through, Roderich realized he had fallen asleep and hadn't listened to the composition they were identifying. _There's no way he'll call on number 22… there's lots of people in here… _he though frantically.

"Number 22, please," said Mr. Fledasherwendel.

Dammit.

Meanwhile, in Canada, someone ate a turkey leg.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey! This has actually been written for a while. Like two months. Has it been that long? So I am currently in the process of typing up chapter four which has been written for about a week and has been sitting on my desk collecting dust. So this chapter was written by my sister, Turtle, who has given me permission to post it here (Even though it's really short. Less than half the length of chapter four!). Enjoy! Gosh, I just realized how inconsistent this is with the country names vs. human names... That's my sister for you.  
**

Meanwhile in the teacher's lounge, Mr. Wang, who was also the honors math teacher because no one else wanted to be in a room with the genius honor students for 90 minutes everyday.  
"That wasn't a complete sentence," Mr. Kirkland corrected.  
"Grammar Nazi," Mr. Wang said. Anyway, Mr. Wang was looking up what a math was, so that he could teach the little nerds how to succeed in life. "I was good at math before they started adding letters," he noted aloud. Everyone grunted in agreement and went back to their knitting- I mean, LEARNINGING.  
Meanwhile in the band room, everyone was doing homework.  
And by that I mean copying Kiku's homework.  
"So then Yao suggested that I need afterschool tutoring!" Kiku vented quietly as Alfred wrote down answers on his koolaid-soaked worksheet.  
"What's wrong with getting tutoring?" Poland inquired before a sousaphone case fell on him.  
"He wanted Mr. Kirkland to tutor me in English!"  
"No ablo Engles," Alfred teased. Japan never got his homework back.  
Later in Mr. Kirkland's class, they were learning about fractions. Then he got a call from the admin office. They had a new student.  
"Bonjour everyone! My name is Francis Bonnefoy, and I am not a perv," Francis announced as he threw open the door gracefully, wearing a Korean school uniform.  
"Didn't they suspend your teaching liscense, Mr. Bonnefoy?" Mr. Kirkland asked in annoyance. In fact, they tore it up and he wasn't allowing within a half mile of the school.  
"Haha, what teaching liscense?" Then Arthur threw him out the window and went back to lecturing about transitive verbs.  
Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile, meanwhile. There was a new teacher, as well. Mr. Williams was a boy genius. Just two chapters ago, he was a student. Now he was teaching physical science to freshmen.  
Retarded freshmen. "So you're Canadian?" Alfred asked, like he didn't know Matthew.  
"Al, why are you in the freshmen class?" the Canadian asked.  
"I thought this was the chorus room!" Alfred said, not noticing the sinks and science posters.  
"Alfred, please go back to your class." Then Alfred decided he'd rather hang out with Peter, Wy, Palestine and Seychelles (who was a freshman for the fifth time) instead.  
While everyone didn't take Mr. Williams seriously and Alfred laid on a table, the alarm rang. It wasn't the normal fire alarm- it was the tornado bell, which was more shrill and annoying. "Wah! No one panic! It says here that I have to put you in alphabetical order before we can evacuate the classroom!"  
Ten minutes later, Mr. Williams' class was out of the room and into the hall. Because the school was made of giant windows (which were pretty but suck during tornadoes), the only place they could go was the smallish cafeteria. SO everyone took turns crouching in there, and most of the school stood in the hallway among the many large windows "This is crap," Alfred said to Kiku, who was also standing the the hallway, "if this was a real tornado, we would all be dead."  
About thirty minutes later, Dr. Germania approached the crowd. "Good news and bad news- the good news is, we found a great place to move some of you, with not windows. The bad news is, it's outside," he announced, "Mr. Williams, please take your class outside."  
They found out when they got outside that it was a real tornado. There was no homework that night.

Later, Elizabeta was in the bathroom texting. This particular bathroom was gross and in a remote part of the school, so no one really went there except to send really long text messages or to secretly trade Pokémon cards. Someone walked in and adjusted her hair , and Elizabeta gave her a nod and went back to her phone. The she realized that she recognized the girl. She was a teacher on that hall.  
Crap. "Look!1" Elizabeta screeched as she evacuated the restroom.

Anyway, Alfred and Kiku had Mr. Williams' physics class for the next period. The Canadian guy was going over rules, particularly the rule about not turning on the safety shower, when Gilbert turned on the safety shower. "You have to turn it off! You have to turn it off!" Mr. Williams wailed as he struggled with the shower and the floor was slowly covered in water.  
"Hello everyone, you've had enough school today, you can go home," Dr. Rome announced over the intercom.  
"Wait! I need to give you your homeowork!" Mr. Williams said quietly as everyone didn't wait.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I finally have it for you! Chapter four! Read slow, because chapter five isn't coming any time soon.**

It was Monday morning. _Everyone_ knows that Monday mornings suck, especially when they begin in Mr. Kirkland's classroom. Alfred rested his head on a desk because he was still waking up and glared resentfully at his English teacher who was having an animated conversation with his new teacher's pet, Kiku. It was just disgusting. Mr. Kirkland was such a pedo.

So what if they had a lot of stuff I common and Kiku was great at sucking up to teachers; Alfred knew that Mr. Kirkland was just trying to IRK him by being nice to his best friend. So he had a brilliant plan he'd just thought of like two seconds ago. But before he could remember what it was he fell asleep. Oh well.

Meanwhile, Elizabeta was in the band room trying to find someone's homework to copy, because everyone knows that's why people hang out there in the first place. But that was kind of hard because she was also half asleep because last night she'd had a sleepover with her BFF Natalia. Well anyway, they went' shopping and tried on every dress in the mall. Natalia found a Halloween store sit get played in there for a while because everyone knows that masks, plastic swords, and robotic wall-humping Chihuahuas = fun. After they'd gone broke buying stupid things like whips, handcuffs, and candy, they went to Toys-R-Us for a while because they were bored. And Elizabeta, of course, couldn't resist riding on _all_ of the tricycles and scooters; but she accidentally broke one to they had to leave before they got in trouble.

"You know, when we were kids, we didn't have, like, skateboards and stuff," said Elizabeta as they walked back to the car.

"Yeah. We had to use socks," Natalia replied.

"Except that was really dangerous. I broke Roderich's arm one time."

"You broke _Roderich's_ arm?"

"Well, you see, we were real bored to we tried to—"

"I really don't want to know."

After that, the two girls went to Elizabeta's house. You see, guys image that when girls have sleepover they strip down to their panties and have pillow fights. In reality, they played poker, at hamburgers and doughnuts, then played manhunt, watched Glee and Scooby-Doo, and talked about yaoi until 3 in the morning. When they woke up they walked down the highway to get a mango smoothie from the mall. They could only afford one, though.

So yeah, it was an awesome night. But then they remember that it was Monday.

The bell rang and everyone ran to their classes, except for Alfred and Kiku who were already at theirs. Mr. Kirkland felt and urge to pop Alfred in the back of the head with a ruler.

"Detention after school, Mr. Jones."

In 2nd period Mr. Wang was especially elated. And it wasn't just because he was about to get a line for the first time in two chapters. It was every teacher's favorite time of the year: the Stock Market Game.

"I know you've all looked forward to playing the Stock Market Game since it ended last year," said Mr. Wang and the class moaned in unison, "And I'm even going to let you pick your groups again. This year, the prize for winning is a hundred dollars and a trip to the Coca-Cola museum. So try your best everybody! The winner has come from my class every year for a thousand years, so I will be very angry if none of you win!"

Alfred nearly jumped out of his seat. "C-C-Coke Museum? That's the prize we get for winning?

"Yes. Tomorrow we will begin—"

"That's easy! So all we have to do is make a lot of virtual money? Piece of cake. Kiku! Be in my group!"

"You just want me to do all of the work," he snapped, "Besides, I already have a partner."

"We can be a threesome."

"That's what she said!" interrupted Gilbert.

"Shut up Gilbert!" Elizabeta shouted as she hit him with a frying pan.

"My name is Luke Skywalker!"

Then they had a Jedi battle.

In the next class, health, Alfred sat in the back of the room emoing. He felt so betrayed. So Kiku had a new best friend? I mean, so what if Alfred had like, a million friends. NONE OF THEM WERE KIKU. This was all Mr. Kirkland's fault. He probably told him all kinds of horrible lies. Before he met Alfred, Kiku was a total loser. Now he was almost as cool as his American friend and people actually didn't hate him. And he would just run off and talk to evil teachers and be someone else's Stock Market Game partner and leave him _ALL ALONE?_ That little jerk! Alfred knew what he would do. He would find someone else and they would _win_ the Stock Market Game. Then Kiku would wish he had worked with him in the first place and they would be friends again.

Alfred was definitely on a roll making plans today.

Meanwhile, Kiku was watching Alfred with concern. He did feel a little bad about turning him down so bluntly, but there was no way in hell he was going to work with him. The year before, he had done all of the work and they'd almost won. Bit in the last week Alfred bought one million shares of McDonalds stock and they went from first place to last.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" Alfred asked.

"You've got five minutes," replied Dr. Germania.

"KK!" He left the room and walked through the gym into the lobby where the bathrooms were. Standing by the water fountain was a mysterious masked stranger. "Who are you?" he asked the mysterious person. Wait. He'd seen this guy before. There was only one guy in the school who went around wearing a mask from Hobby Lobby. Sadik.

"My name… is DJ Bacon," he said.

"DJ Bacon? I thought your name was Sadik?"

"That was… a long time ago. Now I'm DJ Lotion."

"But you were DJ Bacon just a second ago."

"That's what I said. Anyway, it seems like you and I are in the same boat."

"What boat is that?"

"That a-hole Heracles is trying to steal Kiku away from us. He's totally plotting against our friendship!"

"That bastard! I should have suspected him from the beginning! Say, who's Heracles?"

"Irrelevant information. Luckily for you, I've already come up with a plan."

"Hahah! I already have a better one."

"Shut up! So here is what we have to do…"

Meanwhile, Heracles woke up from his name and took Alfred's empty seat. "Morning, Kiku," he said.

"It's not really morning anymore."

"Oh, okay. Well I have to study for my math test next period. Can you get my AP Human Geography book out of my backpack for me?"

"But you just said you were studying for a math test."

"I also have a test in Human Geography on a chapter I forgot to read. My vocabulary cards are also due in that class, but their only halfway done. Oh, and I also forgot to do my math homework so I have to do that too."

"What were you _doing_ on Sunday?"

"You know, I don't really remember."

Nonetheless, he actually managed to skim a chapter in the math textbook and get started on his flash cards, though he would have to sacrifice studying for the test to get them done. Which was actually an accomplishment considering Kiku was watching him he whole time making it awkward.

See, Heracles probably looked real smart, because he was writing the definitions for complex AP words. But upon closer inspection one would see that he was actually retarded.

"Let's see… Social Distance: the distance between socials. Plural Society: a society that ends in the letter 's'. Sex Ratio: how often people have sex."

"Really? Christ, Heracles. I hope your teacher has a sense of humor."

"He doesn't. But he's never said anything. I _do_ get weird looks when I turn them in though."

"I wonder why."

Kiku flipped through Heracles' cards he made, and yes, they were all retarded.

"This one's good: 'Sikhism- when you feel bad so you don't go to school because you are Sikh.' You, my friend, have perfected lazyness to an art."

"And that's the plan."

"Really?" Alfred chimed, "We can totally do that! You're doing all the work, right?"

"Of course not. There are nerds for that." Sadik replied.

"I see. But won't Kiku be mad at us? I mean, he gets real into this Stock Market Game thing, and if we sabotage his chances of winning he'll never forgive either of us."

"Shh! You dummy; he won't be mad at us if we make it look like an _accident_."

"Very true, Mr. DJ Lotion."

"Bacon. It's DJ Bacon."

"Who cares?"

"I do."

"I don't. Why don't you use your real name?"

"Because DJ Lotion sounds cooler."

"I thought it was DJ Bacon?"

"Wha—DAMMIT."

Meanwhile, Roderich was putting up posters for the Homecoming dance, which the student council had guilted him into doing. Even though he wasn't even going to the dance, nor was he in the student council. Since he and Elizabeta had just broken up, he would probably get a good beating if he went with another girl, so he decided he'd just skip the dance all together to avoid the embarrassment of showing up alone.

But anyway, he still owed the student council a favor and no one else could get out of their class this period. As he passes the gym, he remembered that Elizabeta had PE second period…

He stuck his face right up to the window on the door to find his girlfriend—I mean, EX girlfriend. She was sitting on the bleachers with a group of girls, laughing. _She used to laugh about stuff with me,_ thought Roderich.

He wasn't taking getting dumped well.

Not far from where Roderich was stalking, Alfred and Sadik—I mean DJ Bacon—were also pressing their noses to the window trying to stalk someone.

"Shh, shh; they're coming this way," said Sadik.

Kiku stuck his head out the door, and Heracles followed. "Oh, hello Sadik; what are you doing in this wing?"

"What gives, you creeper? How long have you been here?" Heracles shouted.

"Long enough to see you and Kiku skipping class!"

"Isn't that what you're doing right now?"

"Yeah well I do it all the time so it doesn't matter."

"Where are you two going, anyway?" Alfred asked.

"Like I said, they're skipping! Don't you know how easy it is to just get up and walk out of class around here?"

"As a matter of fact I do," he said, "but the question here is not how they left class, it's _why_. I mean seriously, we all know how much of a horn dog Heracles is."

"What? Are you suggesting I'm a pervert?"

"That's exactly what I'm suggesting."

Then, Mr. Kirkland showed up. "What's going on here? Are you harassing this young man?" he said, putting his hand protectively on Kiku's shoulder.

Finally, Kiku said something. "It's alright, Mr. Kirkland. Heracles and I were just on our way to the library to do some research for our Stock Market Game project. We'll be on our way now," he grabbed Heracles by the wrist and pulled him down the corridor before he could do something he'd regret. Mr. Kirkland left too.

"I'm always watching you, Alfred. Always watching," he said as he went.

"Told you that man was a pedophile," said Alfred.

"I think we might have overacted a little bit," Sadik replied.

They both pouted a little bit.

Meanwhile, Yong Soo was also skipping class, in order to find some juicy scandal to write about in the school newspaper, while hiding in his clever trashcan camouflage. But all he was able to find was a group of lamers talking about the Homecoming dance.

"Yeah, it is going to be amazing!" said Mr. Wang, "I'm actually chaperoning it, and so I'll make sure everybody who attends has a great time! You're both going, right?"

"I wasn't planning on it," Kiku replied, "I mean, I've never been much of a rave kind of person."

China raised an eyebrow. "In other words, you can't find a date?"

"Pretty much yeah."

"Don't sweat it. I don't have a date either," Heracles commented.

"Really?"

"I haven't asked anyone yet, so…"

"That doesn't count. Girls hate me."

"Yeah, they do. Hey, since you don't have a date and I don't have a date, how about we go together?"

"And crash the dance? We'd look like losers."

"No, like dates. I'll buy your ticket."

"But, um, I'm straight."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, in the trashcan, Sadik and Alfred suddenly appeared.

"What are you two doing here?" asked Yong Soo.

"Stalking Kiku," Sadik replied.

"See? I told you Heracles was a horn dog!" Alfred shouted.

"I already knew that! But this is a problem!" replied Sadik.

"Yeah, I know! It could ruin our plan!"

"Can you two shut up?" Yong Soo tried to push them out of his can but only ended up making it topple over. Then the bell rang.

At lunch, their table was even more crowded than normal, after Sadik and Heracles decided they wanted to sit there too. So now their lunch conversation was mostly the two of them fighting.

"Shut up Sadik."

"That's DJ Bacon to you."

"I don't care. Just shut up."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Yes. Wait. CRAP."

…On top of the fact that fitting at least 10 people at a table made for four was a feat in itself. Then Lovino walked over holding his lunch tray and tried to sit down. The lunchroom exploded.


End file.
